I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to be on the page of the other document either— the one under the Big-Edit microscope. It was my intention to cut short my Saturday reading and finish the current chapter— the one that’s been plaguing me. It took a happy turn yesterday, but not soon enough for me to finish. What a relief to shift into high gear after the bumper car of disappointment I’ve been confined to over the last two weeks. 

Falling short of my goal to rework a chapter a day was not what I hoped for. And I did H-O-P-E. But it came out ha-ha-ha! Not fair— not after I finished the third act and pinned chapter three to the manuscript the way Hemingway used to hook a marlin. But as poet Robert Burn said…

The best-laid schemes of mice and men
Go oft awry

No truer words for a writer-in-progress. Especially when resistance pokes its head through every page. Let me scream it for you— ENOUGH WITH THE RESISTANCE! Okay? Is the pattern of my life as palpable to you as it is to me? The strong assurance of Victory, undercut by doubt.

I’d give anything, yes anything— except my granddaughter, or my sons or all the other people nestled in my heart— for a chance to write strong and true without doubt. Everyday. But it ain’t going to happen because as David Sedaris says…

Everyday isn’t going to be a great day at your desk. Nobody has a great day at their desk…I throw 1/3 of what I write away.

He’s right. Although I’ve thrown away a lot more than a third. And depending on how this Big-Edit turns out and how the gatekeepers receive it, Kaitlyn may hit the circular file as well.

Negativity?— No— Wisdom of growth. Writing doesn’t come with guarantees; that’s a good thing. Their absence keeps the focus on the writing.

The act of writing gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. But our relationship has moved beyond that now. Every day when I show up, what lands on the page teaches me how to be a better person. There’s no other choice, because in order for the story to improve, Kaitlyn needs to change. And the only way for Kaitlyn to change is for me to come face to face with what’s holding her back, own it, then let it go.

Change is a bitch. Hence the resistance, which is why I ended up here today rather than in the other document. Because as great as yesterday ended, every word I wrote came through a barrel of tears. Necessary. Exhausting. But obviously exhilarating because once again, after hashing this all out with you my dear friends, readers and voyeurs, the urge to return to the Big-Edit is upon me. Ain’t that a kick!